Sunday, April 23, 2017

Rebooting Your Self

I've been really lax about keeping up on my blogging.  This week I've had oodles of time to sit and think, and this morning I decided that I need to commit to some changes.  Ok, so it was more that my oldest friend told me that I was hiding my true self.
Let me go back a bit.  A couple weeks ago I stumbled upon my very first boyfriend.  We're talking about age 3, first kiss, first love, boyfriend.  I'd looked for him before, using both his first and middle names, since I knew him by his middle name back then.  Facebook was no help whatsoever.  But by coincidence a couple weeks ago, I saw a name similar to one of our other neighbors in a completely random comment thread, looked him up, and found that he was friends with my first beau.  So I messaged him, because, Hey, that's how I am.  And we ended up talking on Facebook messenger for hours that night.  It was as if no time had passed.  We covered the last 32 years of our lives in a few minutes and got to rebuilding our friendship.
Last night he told me that I was hiding my true self from my boyfriend.  That really got me to thinking.  Who is my true self?  What could I possibly be hiding? I mean, I'm a pretty open book.  I share everything I'm thinking with people around me like I've never heard of a filter.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how I probably have hidden important things from the most important people in my life.  Not intentionally, but more like I just didn't think they were important enough to share. That they weren't worth sharing.  That I wasn't worth sharing.  You can see how this can quickly spiral.
So today is dedicated to journaling my heart out, until I figure out what is most important to me, how I'm going to make changes to get me where I want to be, and what I need to let go of in order to get me there.  I know I have a lot of dead weight in the form of people and things that are dragging me down.  My life is going to be transforming when I sent my kids off to SC in July, and when I graduate from beauty school in Sept. I need to start figuring out what I want my new life to look like.

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