Thursday, August 4, 2016

Missing Something

This week I've had this unsettled feeling that I'm missing something.  I remember an interview with Alanis Morissette years ago where she said she felt like she'd thrown the baby out with the bath water in regards to leaving her religion behind her. I've had the same feeling. I'm depressed and anxious and meds and journaling haven't helped. I'm still healing from my surgery so I can't go out and train for a marathon this week.  So I decided to look into some type of spiritual path I might be able to hop into to get my mind to be more peaceful.

For some context here, I was raised in a Catholic Church. My mom was the administrative assistant to the Religious Ed coordinator for our parish, so I was involved with Sunday School and youth functions through high school.  Then I decided I didn't need church or religion because I was busy living my adult life.  I think that's pretty typical for kids who didn't really have a choice in their youth to rebel as a young adult.  And by the time I had my own kids and wanted to go back to church, I had a husband who didn't want my kids raised in that church, and then the church itself closed down.

So for the past 20 years I haven't been affiliated with any real religious body. And I felt like I was doing ok. But maybe I'm not. Maybe missing the spiritual link is part of my problem coping with everyday life. I am closing some significant doors recently, such as removing my Fallopian tubes, which is a permanent sterilization procedure.  I think I need to pray a bit on what this means for me, not that there's anything to be done about it now that it's done. But I feel like I need to pause and reflect on how that decision will impact me going forward.

I've found several resource websites online that I've been browsing through. I bought a new bible and got all the book tabs into it. I'm planning to read and study it bit by bit.  I don't know what religion I believe in. It seems like they all exclude people in my life, which is usually where I say "yeah, this doesn't work for me" and quit. But this time I'm an undeclared student of the bible.  I believe got loves everyone, regardless of who they love or live with or what sins they've committed in the past.  I have friends who are active in their church and aren't ostracized when they show up pregnant outside of marriage or if they're dating someone who has served time in prison for manslaughter. I believe that's the kind of acceptance I'm needing right now. And if I can't find it in a group that already exists, I will create it for myself on my own.

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