Thursday, April 7, 2016

Foggy Thinking

Yesterday was a struggle but I made it through a full day of work. But barely. Last night I slept hard and woke from a nightmare when D told me it was way past my normal waking up time. My alarm wasn’t turned on for some unknown reason. I took a shower in a daze and stood in the water for much longer than I normally do when I’m already running late for work. Then I stood, naked, trying to decide if I was going into work at all. I was paralyzed trying to figure out if I should use a vacation day, which was available, or if I should use a paid or unpaid medical day.  D told me to get dressed and go to work. So I decided to do that. I got dressed, got out to my car and realized that I was way past empty on my gas gauge. By the time I filled up at the overpriced station on the corner and got on the express way there was no chance I would arrive on time… Panic began ….Since I had already arrived late by 5 minutes one day this week, I would be charged an hour of sick time this morning. I had to get my blood drawn on Saturday between picking up the girls and going to C’s eye exam. I had to bring my laptop to my friend to upgrade my hard drive. I had to go to my parents’ house to clean after work today because I have dinner after work tomorrow night with one of my kids…  The panic attack took over and I decided I was going to get my blood work done, drop the Mac off to my friend, then do some work on my old room. No talking to people. Solitary, physical activities. The chest pains came & went all day. Exhaustion overtook me and I slept for a while in the afternoon. I was awoken by my phone dinging messages from my mom about dinner on Saturday and friend asking me for my password for my laptop.  I survived the day. But my mind is still foggy. I feel less in touch with things than I did a couple weeks ago. Like my toes can’t touch the bottom when I’m in a pool. My brain dump pages don’t seem to be as cathartic as they should be. Maybe my journal seems like too sacred a place to put the mess in my head. I’m really not sure.  I’m also disappointed that I’ve gone so long between blog posts. When I get my laptop back I’m going to try to get back to a regular schedule with that too. There just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in my days this week. My brain is foggy. I need some sunshine to dry things up. 

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