Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Done with Therapy

Last night was my last scheduled appointment with my therapist.  Yes, I’ve been in therapy for the past few months, due to my inability to deal with the news that my younger daughter wanted to go live with her father next school year.  It was a hard pill to swallow, but I’ve come to terms with it. My ex- seems to wait until I’m at peace to stir the pot and upset me all over again. This morning I woke up late and had apparently been having nightmares about the argument we had last night about my daughter’s singing lessons.  A terrible way to start the day.  But I managed to finish my shawl last night and this afternoon I weaved in the ends and can officially call it done.  It’s key lime and soft & cozy.  I’m so proud of myself for having finished something, and so quickly.  I think I only spent about 3-4 weeks on it.  After weaving in the ends and packing all my materials up in a basket, I sat down and thought about my meeting last night with Kate and what we talked about.  How I need to have more faith in myself, give myself more credit, not downplay my intelligence.  I know I tend to dumb myself down because it’s easier.  I feel sometimes that I am getting dumb because I don’t use my brain very often. I’m stuck in a job I don’t particularly care for, but that I want to keep as long as possible due to the paycheck I earn.  We talked about the guys that I don’t even begin to contemplate trying to date because I think I’m not good enough.  I laughed when she told me that I need to give myself permission to have some standards.  I had a friend in high school who told me once when I was in college that he was going to ask me out but then he realized I had no standards.  He doesn’t remember saying it, but it’s something that has always stuck with me.
While contemplating all the stuff that I see wrong with myself, and thinking about Kate’s suggestions for where to make friends and activities I need to get involved in, I started reading The Happiness Project.  So far I am at the first chapter, and I’m not sure that this is going to be much help for me, because I don’t want to spend an entire year getting to the point, but I am going to read it to get another perspective.  I also read lesson 3 from my Intro to Journaling course and need to start my journal for that class.  I’ve decided to use loose leaf paper in a plastic brad folder, rather than an actual journal.  I was going to use a binder, but they seem less durable or too bulky.  I have reinforced paper so that the pages don’t tear out of the brads. My handwriting practice is an utter fail so far.  i can’t even get the practice patterns right, let alone improve my actual letters.  Maybe the problem is that I’m practicing in my lap instead of at a desk or table.

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